profile

25yrs/ m/ aries/ year of the dog/ animation major/ illustration minor/ nicks: rurounibug; baskerville

tabulas links

indoglish

Entries for March, 2005

March 3rd, 2005

woes

I'm staring to realize that the gay/'queer world isn't really so gay after all. Actually it's kind of bitchy.

A freind suggested I send an email so some yahoo group just to dip my toes in the water so to speak. Everytime I've said anything, it's offended someone. And its not like I go around calling poeple 'fag' or anything like that. Its like somehow you're supposed to know who prefers what label and when to use it and how to spell it.

Then theres people who are mad if you don't call yourself gay and are on their list, mad if you're not bi, really, really mad if you're straight, and think you're fucking around if you say 'maybe not that, either'. People come to these lists to find answers, but get thrashed if they have questions, or aren't completely gayland fluent.

I've sat back and watched this 'tolerant, open-minded' lot take verbal swings at: girls, lesbians, transexuals, distraught spouses, distraught offspring, people who wandered onto the wrong list, and peers who happen to have a different opinion on how to spell the word 'woman'.

I mean, don't these people ever relax? I suspect some of these folks hang about online just waiting for something to take offense at.

Just . . . forget it.

I don't think any online experience has been as depressing. Gawd.

So, between YahooML snafoos, the fact that I am broke (oh, so broke), and the fridge in my apartment doesn't seal all the way around--and I had it running all night before I realised it was kaput . . . . I shudder to think how much moolah I've thrown away, letting what may as well be an open fridge run all night--I've fallen into a paniced/depressed/need-to-sleep-all-day-every-day rut.

Also, there were no open comps at the library so I'm throwing more money away using a netcafe comp. God, I wish I could afford home internet. (oh, so broke)

Yeah, waah. I need a hug or something. XP

rurounibug ; 03:21 PM|1 replies

March 11th, 2005

home sweet home

I hate my apartment. Hate it. Its a freaking dump, and I sould never have taken it. No amount of scrubbing will clean the damn place up. Theres absoloutely no soundproofing, and my dog barks when left alone. Its sort of weird how I didn't think about the barking-dog problem when I decided to move here.

It's not a continuous barking like crazy chihuahua dogs tend to do, mind you, its just that he feels the need to bark at all the--loud--thumping and music--also loud--from my landlords apartment upstairs.

I'm worried about leaving Martin-guki alone for long hours when I start class, probably in the city. I'm worried about him greeting-barking if I get home late.

I don't think I've ever been so goddamn worried in my life.

No one stops me when I decide to do stupid things. No one says things like, "Is that a good idea?" or "You'll fucking die in poverty," or even, "Did you think about this for more than two seconds?"

Because I didn't. I sort of decided one day that I would like to live in San Francisco for a awhile, and somehow I just kind of ended up here. With no idea what the hell I'm doing, sick with worry about anything I could possibly worry about, and kind of more lonesome than I think I've ever been before.

Why do I do these things? I wanna go home.

rurounibug ; 05:04 PM|fine, ignore me

March 15th, 2005

suara-suara

Sori jadi jarang online. Selama 2 1/2 minggu ini, gw abis pindahan an ternyata . . . gwe benci tinggal di apartemen itu. Sepi, tapi banyak unit. Pokoknya ga betah. Bikin kangen rumah. Biarin deh dibilang cengeng dan ky anak kecil, tapi kayanya kali ini bener2 ga sanggup. Ga kaya curhat2 kemaren2 yg sebenernya cuma berdasarkan kesal, marah dan setress.

Sejak pindahan gw bawaannya sakit perut terus, seperti rasa degdeg-an yg bisa ilang, tegang setiap saat. Di SF ini ga banyak yg gw kenal dan di apartmen yg banyak strangers itu bener2 terasa sumpek, nyesek, dan sendirian banget.

Kalo udah kya gini apa yg mesti orang lakukan sih? Mau pulang ga bisa, tapi mau melangkah maju juga, kayanya ga kuat.

Sekali ini bart bener2 ngaku kalah, tapi mau surrender juga mau ngibasin bendera putih ke siapa, coba? Telpon ke rumah buat curhat ke ortu ^^;;; juga cuma bisa buat itu saja: curhat, ga ada jalan keluar dari sini, dan ga ada yg bisa disalahin kecuali diri gw sendiri yg terlalu pe-de dan sok kuat menggap diri sendiri bisa menangulangi apapun juga.

Tapi ternyata gw itu orang yg bener2 butuh temen, setidaknya perlu temen ngobrol an minum kopi. Setiap hari terasa sperti perjuangan untuk ga nangis. Setiap pulang ke apartemen itu dunia terasa kaya tempat yg kosong akan siapapun yg gwe kenal.

Setahun yg lalu gw memimpikan SF dan merasa kalo tinggal disini bakal terasa seperti petualangan yg seru dan asyik. Seperti menjelajah bumi asing. Tapi ternyata ga seperti itu. Semuanya ga seperti yg bart banyangin, tapi kayanya ga ada cara untuk pulang dari sini.

Sekarang yg ada bukan rasa ingin tahu, atau keinginan seorang anak untuk melihat hal2 baru, tapi cuma apa gwe dapat bertahan sendiri seperti ini? Dan kalo ngga bisa? Kalo ga bisa gw harus gimana?

Waktu kecil gwe sangka gw udah tau rasa kesepian itu seperti apa, dan gwe sanka gw orang yg cukup kuat untuk jalan sendiri. Tapi ternyata sepi itu seperti ini.

rurounibug ; 06:53 PM|5 replies

March 18th, 2005

obat ceria?

I've never been so sad and lonely and scared.
What does it take to be ok again?

Everyone's sick of my whining and moping, but I go right on doing it, switching from anxiety to panic and back. I need a good night's sleep so bad I can fucking taste it.

God, I hate this city. I want to go home.

rurounibug ; 09:03 PM|2 replies

March 27th, 2005

ok, ok . . . .

Ternyata ephi bener. Beberapa minggu ternyata sembuh juga. XP

Hehehe~ Reading my past entries I can only be awed and impressed by how miserable one can be. Last week I could barely make it the two blocks to my place without dissolving into puddles of wretchedness. If I didn't know how awful that was, I'd be amused by it now.

But look, I'm getting it together. At least I'm not crying into my keyboard. XP I am, however, still somewhat surprised by what a wuss I turned out to be.

And while I'm here, happy easter. Save me a chocolate bunny.

rurounibug ; 08:19 PM|3 replies

March 29th, 2005

anak2 rumah

Another earthquake has hit the island of Nias, west off the coast of sumatra. The radio here says 80% of the capitol, Gunung Sitoli, has been destroyed. The death toll is expected to come in at 2000, though as of four PM it was still in the 350-400 range.

My Father's household has always been large. So large that it was never a weird thing to see strangers in our home. You just sort of figured they were someone's freind or something. A modern longhouse in bustling Jakarta,a kampung of itself. For the last ten years or so, that longhouse/kampung has included students from Nias. Since I was twelve, theres always been a bunch of them, living with us for several years and then going home.

They're like a gagle of older cousins from the village. I wonder if they're all okay.

rurounibug ; 09:01 PM|2 replies

tagboard

blogs and journals

fiction

the layout